... here's my kiss to betray

The doctor is inducing labor on wednesday [[tomorrow according to time]]... I'm not even nervous about the labor//delivery only because I'm having HORRIBLE anxiety about his mom!! She wants to be in the delivery room when I have her and I AM JUST NOT COOL WITH THAT AT ALL!!!! and I'm freaking out she's going to try and con her way back there, because she can be very pushy.. She has done soo much for us and I feel like I'm being unappreciative saying this, and it's not that at all but like I said, I'm NOT comfortable.. I know if she is in there I won't push and then I'll have to have a c-section and I'd resent her for it. And I don't want that to happen. My mom FINALLY told me tonight that she wants to be in the delivery room but didn't want to say anything because she didn't want to be rude to Ellen! WTF!! If she wouldn't have told me that and missed out on being in there because of her asking me 3 times about her being in there i would have been mad. I am not comfortable with someone I don't know very well looking at my tooty!!! I mean I love her to death I really do, and she is going to be a fantastic grandma, but she had 5 daughters, all of who had kids and she has seen it before.. she does NOT need to be in there staring at my VAG for her pleasure.. she can see her after! fl;sdhflsk;dfjhl;sdfnhsad;jkfndsj;fklnasd!!!!!!!! I don't know why I am freaking out soo stinking bad right now.. All I keep imaging is her pushing her way back there, and then holding Peyton before I get to. I know I am WWAAYYY over exaggerating on that part but I can't help it!!! It's all about her!! always listening to the same old stories about HER!!!!! OMFG I need to sleep but cant because of this.. ok i'm  done bitching... i need security outside the doors... jake, you available? LOL jk jk


am i total bitch or just a little bit for not wanting her in there and having greg, my mom, and my sister in there  & not letting his mom?

I don't know if my little girl is ever going to truly understand//know just how much she has changed my life, already... My husband [[her daddy]] is the best man I've ever met... an absolute dream come true... no partying, no other girls, no jealousy... he is just.. perfect- to//for me. Had she not happen to come, I may have run like I always do, or fucked it up because I partied too much.. I already KNOW he is going to be a great daddy, because he already is... He reads stories to her & watches her play in my belly.. Cries when we go to the ultrasounds and he sees her little face. He makes sure that I'm ok all the time so neither me or her is harmed.. He is just amazing... and she already is soo animated.. She's perfect.. in every way.. She pokes me back whenever I poke her, if I play her a song she hits my belly.. She looks just like both of us, but with ashleys nose.. and every time I think about her I get teary eyed.. I am so amazed at the fact she is really going to be here, and I'm finally going to feel complete.. [[until next baby[s] come lol]]... She's also given me my family back.. We get along so great now, I mean.. nothing like before. I can't believe the things I did and yet here they are, and forgive me and trust me all over again, no ifs-ands-or buts this time... I can't believe it... I mean.. it's indescribeable.. its like God gave me a little angel.. I believe he did. <333

All I am, all I'll be
Everything in this world, all that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes, shining at me
When you smile I can feel all my passion unfolding

Your hand brushes mine
And a thousand sensations seduce me 'cause I

I do, cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will, love you still, from the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much, I do

In my world before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
Until that day I found you
How you opened my life to a new paradise

In a world torn by change
Still with all of my heart, until my dying day

I do, cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will, love you still, from the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much, yes I do

I've waited so long to say this to you
So, if you're asking if I love you this much, I do
Oh, I do

hahaha the SECOND i saw this i thought of stacey!!!
hahahaha, & it would be more than just a
dark and terrible place for her i'd assume!!! LoL awwwww

so it's definitely a GIRL!!! i am SOOO stoked.. she was so cute, the ultrasound was only supposed to be 15 minutes but ended up 36 because she was crossing her legs & fell asleep... so we had to try and wake her up to uncross her legs, and finally after i had to get up and walk around, go potty, and jump a little she woke up.. she was hella waiving.. like wiggling her fingers waiving... already taunting us because she wouldn't show what business she definitely had down there... than she stretched and rubbed her eyes to wake herself up... so finally, she uncrossed her legs... after 30 minutes... BUT, she covered herself with her hand!! hahahahahaha she is so awesome already. well, we finally got her to show and she definitely no doubt about it is a girl!!!! our baby girl Peyton.... I couldn't be more excited... at least i know she is modest! :] I am so excited!!!!

 
here she was saluting, just like my dad//aka her grandpa!! awww!

 

i know it's hard to see, but thats when we FINALLY got out confirmation,
i have bigger pictures on my myspace where we can finally see!! LoL!!
YAY!!!

i know i missed out on lifehouse.
i know i missed a GREAT party with GREAT people.
i'm sorry! i dont know what else to say.
i feel horrible. terrible.
i know normally i dont miss these things
but the situation isnt the same
i'm not the same
i'm a big fucking preggo
i'm tired all the time
sore all the time..
if i have a car and energy
i make it out as much as i possibly can
i'll have my car as soon as i get insurance.
and i can go out more.
& i hate feeling bad for missing this things


this isn't towards anyone but myself but..
i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself for missing these
and i'm sick of being bummed out and mad for missing these
but i know if my body says it's tired i have to rest now
thats just all there is to it! before if i was tired i could just
have a drink and everything would be ok&i'd have energy
can't do that anyone.. there's a person inside me.

nothing else is going on that i didnt already go on and on about.. other than i'm sore and sad i didnt make it to bap's house to watch the office... which makes me really sad, and working until 9 was NOT worth missing him & the office :[ ... i fxcking hate my job. lol

I want to thank all of you who listened to my craziness, supported me even when you shouldn't have, told me I was wrong, even if I didn't want to hear it, stuck by my mom's side when she needed it most, & most of all loved me no matter what. I appreciate it, more than any of you will ever know. & if I hurt anyone during any of this.. INSANITY.. I am so sorry. I love you all so much.. God gave me the GREATEST family/relatives EVER & I hope I'll get to see you all soon. [[HOLIDAYS ARE COMING!!]]

Ashley- You have been one hard-ass big sister.. and I can't thank you enough.. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I am truly blessed that God gave me you as a big sister. I love you so much.

Mom&Dad- There isn't much to say that could make up for all that I have done. I love you guys so much and you truly have saved my life on so many occasions. I hope that I can make you proud and you'll love my baby and show her the same things you guys showed me. Just like I said to Ashley, God blessed me with the world's greatest parents. I love you.

Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
never to part,
baby of mine.

Little one when you play,
don't you mind what they say.
Let those eyes sparkle and shine,
never a tear,
baby of mine.

If they knew sweet little you
they'd end up loving you two.
All of those people who scold you
what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your head down to your toes,
you're not much, goodness knows.
But you're so precious to me,
sweet as can be,
baby of mine.

If they knew sweet little you,
they'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you,
what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your head down to your toes
you're not much, goodness knows.
But you're so precious to me,
sweet as can be,
baby of mine.
Baby of mine